Working with children when they are at their worst

I teach explosive children in a children's psychiatric assessment unit. There are 8 beds on the unit and I have a very small classroom. Here's an example of how I work with children when they are at their worst. Jasper is an explosive 11 year old boy who is verbally offensive and physically abusive. He's hard to like. Let me be crystal clear. He's very hard to like. But does that change how I treat him? Absolutely not. I had a couple days to develop a relationship with Jasper before this incident.

Here's what happened.

I was quickly finishing my lunch in my classroom before taking my 5 students, who are inpatients on a children's psychiatric assessment unit, swimming. As I scarfed down the last bite of my sandwich, I heard some yelling.

When I walked towards the crowd of students and staff, I could hear one of the staff yell at Jasper to go to his room. Jasper yelled back, stating that no one could tell him what to do. As I walked closer, Jasper spotted me. He walked straight at me and reported in a mostly calm and collected manner that, "Curtis made a joke about me wearing speedos and that was mean". He then promptly walked to his room and sat on the floor in his doorway.

I walked to the nurse's station where most of the staff was collecting when someone told me that Jasper had hit Curtis. As I polled the crowd, their expressions all said the same thing: "There's no way Jasper can go swimming now." I stated that I needed a minute to work with Jasper and Curtis before all of us would go swimming.

I walked over to Jasper who was still sitting on the floor sulking. In order to talk with him (rather than down on him) I sat on the floor with my legs crossed, just like him and said, "You look sad, what's up?"

Jasper looked up at me and barked, "If he ever makes fun of me like that again, I'm going to fucking kill him. I mean it. I'll fucking kill him."

My response was three simple words, "I believe you." It is tempting to argue with Jasper and tell him that he isn't allowed to kill anyone, but I knew this wasn't the hill I wanted to die on right now -- there was a more important problem that I need to address so I prioritized my attention and mostly ignored this threat. (If you are familiar with Ross Greene's approach than this is what Plan C looks like) It's also important to note that while it is true that I did believe Jasper felt like killing Curtis, I did not believe for one second that he could or would actually do it.

"Do you remember what you said to me before you came to sit over here?"

"No."

"Jasper, I was impressed."

He looked up at me and was surprised to hear me talking about something I was impressed with. He stopped crying, wiped a tear and asked, "What do you mean?"

"Jasper you came over to me only moments after the heat of the moment and with a very calm tone, no swearing or yelling, you gave me an accurate description of what happened. I am impressed."

He looked down again but didn't say anything.

"Jasper there's one other person in this unit that you should have said that to."

"Joe, there's no other adult here that I could have said that to. You are the only one who helps me instead of giving me trouble."

(Now this isn't exactly true, but it is Jasper's perception so it is his reality. And again, this isn't the problem I wanted to address right now, so I chose to use Plan C and ignored it).

"Jasper, I wasn't talking about an adult. Jasper, I'm going to say something really strange. Are you ready?"

He looked up and said, "Sure".

"I think you should have said it to Curtis."

He stared at me.

I waited.

He stared some more.

I waited.

He still just stared at me.

I waited longer. I could tell he was thinking, in fact I could almost see the smoke coming out of his ears. He was really perplexed by my suggestion. I'm usually pretty good at wait-time, but even I couldn't take this staring contest any longer, so I broke the silence. "What do you think about that, Jasper?"

"Well... huh... that's an interesting idea."

His reaction told me that he honestly had never even considered this as an alternative to hitting. "How can we fix this problem?"

"He could say sorry, but sorry won't make the pain go away. You know for me words hurt a thousand times worse than physical pain. I have a swing at home and none of my friends can swing on it because it hurts their nuts, but I can swing on it all day because I have an abnormal tolerance for physical pain, but words stab me in the heart. They hurt so bad."

It took every ounce of self-control not to laugh at his explanation, but I was able to hold back. "I believe you, Jasper. I can see that Curtis's words hurt you. And you're right, an apology won't take away the hurt. But an apology will do something different. It will plant the seed of a new feeling called forgiveness that, if you let it, will grow larger than the hurt. But remember, 'sorry' is not a word -- it does not come from your mouth, it comes from your heart. People also like it when others ask if we are ok. It's kind of weird, but even when we are hurting, it makes us feel better to know that other people care. Have you ever noticed that?"

"Yeah, I have."

"Jasper, if Curtis apologized to you and you could tell that he really meant it, would that help to solve this problem?"

"Yes, and I think I would like him to ask me if I'm ok."

"Cool. Let's do that in a minute, but first, we have one more problem that we need to solve."

I could see some of the excitement rush out of Jasper's expression as he hung his head again. It looked like he was preparing himself for trouble.

"Jasper, you hit Curtis."

"Actually, I hit him twice." (I find this fascinating because when an adult yelled at Jasper that he wasn't allowed to hit others and that he needed to go to his room, he denied hitting anyone. And yet when Jasper sees the adults less like punishers and more like teachers he is prepared to correct me and admit that he hit Curtis not once but twice).

"How do we make this right?"

"I could apologize... but remember words hurt way worse than physical pain. They aren't the same."

"Jasper, do you remember your friends on the swing? What if Curtis is less like you and more like your friends? What if he is the opposite to you and he has an abnormal tolerance to words but physical pain hurts a thousand times worse?"

He stared again, but this time I could really tell that a light bulb had just turned on. "Well, I suppose that could be possible. I think I should say sorry."

"Remember, 'sorry' isn't a word."

"Actually, at this point, I'm feeling pretty bad about what I did. I want to apologize and mean it."

"What else could you do?"

"I could ask him if he's ok."

"I bet he would like that. You ready to try it?"

"Yes."

"Ok. You wait here and I'll get Curtis."

I walked over to Curtis where he was talking with another adult and still rubbing his head. "Curtis, can I talk with you about how we can make things right?"

"Sure." Curtis was quite calm. He's a little more reasonable and a little less explosive than Jasper.

"I think we have a couple problems here."

"Yeah, I shouldn't have made that joke."

"No, you probably shouldn't have, but Jasper shouldn't have hit you, either."

"No, he shouldn't have. You know I was just kidding around. I see Jasper joking around with others all the time and I just thought he could take it, but I guess I was wrong."

"Yeah, it's tough isn't it. I know that I've had times where I thought someone would appreciate my jokes but then realized they were hurt by them. It's not easy getting a read on how others will respond. So how can we make this right?"

"I could apologize."

"Really? That's interesting, because I was talking to Jasper and he's feeling really terrible about hitting you and he wants to apologize, too."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. You want to go talk with him with me?"

"Sure."

When we came together I asked who wanted to go first and they both tried to start. Noticing that they cut each other off, they both offered to let the other go first. It was pretty cute.

Curtis started, "Jasper, I'm sorry about that joke I cracked. I thought you were a jokester so I thought you would take it."

Jasper replied, "Yeah, I am a jokester but there's a funny thing about me, I can give jokes but I can't seem to take them very well."

At this point, I actually laughed a little because of how accurate Jasper's self-reflection truly was. I said, "Looks like you found something we need to work on together."

"Yeah, I guess I did," answered Jasper.

"So are you ok?" asked Curtis.

"Yeah. And I'm sorry for hitting you, Curtis. Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'll be ok."

I could tell that both boys meant it and that both had planted the seeds of forgiveness. I could tell that we were ready to move on so I asked, "you boys ready to go swimming?"

Both boys said yes, and we all went swimming.

***

When I got back from swimming, I had a couple staff members who were a little unsure as to why I let Jasper go swimming. Here are some of the arguments I made for why punishing Jasper would have been at best unhelpful and at worst harmful towards our ultimate goals for him:

• It was a lot of work to get Jasper to think about more than just himself and to empathize and apologize. Can you see how all this hard work would have been destroyed had I then punished Jasper by not letting him go swimming? Invoking the punishment would have encouraged Jasper to revert to thinking only about how this situation affected him. I'll put it another way: Punishing Jasper by taking away swimming forcibly isolates him from his peers, in front of his peers, and isolating a child who struggles with social skills is like banning books from a child who struggles to read.

• Punishment ruptures relationships.There is a very good chance that Jasper would grow to resent Curtis because had Curtis not cracked the joke, Jasper could have gone swimming. There is also a good chance that Jasper would resent me for invoking the punishment. Can you see how rupturing relationships with punishments is one of the last things Jasper needs? He already has very few meaningful relationships, let's not make things harder for him than he already has it.

• Punishment teaches Jasper a lesson: You can get your way with people who are weaker than you are by hurting them. Can you see that Jasper understands this lesson already all too well? Can you see that Jasper's working model for relationships is already built on a foundation of coerciveness, manipulation and power? Can you see how punishment would only perpetuate this vicious cycle? It's time to drop the archaic strategy that says when kids do bad things, we should do bad things to them.

• Jasper doesn't have a lot going for him. He tells us that he hates himself and that he wants to die. He's already in a psychiatric assessment unit. Jasper experiences life as punishment everyday. How will taking more things away from him help?

• Some people fear that by letting Jasper go swimming, we are teaching him and others that hitting is ok. This is a fear that is mostly fabricated by a deeply disturbing, distasteful and distrustful view of the nature of children. Not one of the children who witnessed Jasper hit Curtis would have said that going swimming made hitting Curtis right. Not one. They all understood that Jasper has difficulties working with others and that he is still learning how to navigate his day without explosions. If I punish Jasper, it does indeed teach everyone a lesson, and that is that you are only accepted when you are acceptable, and this is a recipe for disaster for children who have learned to see themselves as unacceptable on a daily basis.